IT'S OVER. (Megaesophagus)

Xerxes is dead,
And I authorized his murder.
I did.
Being human
I could have easily chosen something else.
We can do that if we want.
Say we want something.
And make it happen
with machines.
And contraptions.
Our species can decide things.
That are not things that can be decided.
I did not do this.
What I did do
is what I ‘can’t’ do.
And the sheer searing of it
is ripping through my body.
Xerxes is dead now.
It was me that decided
to break my own heart.
Rather than force this exquisite creature
to live in pain
and discomfort
and restraints
so I could have him here
where I want him
and pretend
it would be a good life for him.
I’ve slept every night
with his paw in my hand.
He gave me the gift
of traveling ancestral canine adventures
in my sleep.
His paws carried a trembling
when placed on my chest
and we roved around together.
We dreamed his dreams
because mine have already been tainted
by other humans.
But he shared.
With his whole heart.
And I rode along
on his joy.
He’s dead now.
I wish I’d had the courage
and the means
to send him on his journey
with my own hands.
Instead I said ‘Yes.’
to medical intervention
and stopped his growing.
I know that forcing his life
into my will of wanting
needing
wishing
yearning
would have been a wrong
that was bigger than this pain
which has brought me
to my knees.
It’s lower than that really.
Because imagining my life
without the padding of his feet
following me
protecting me
learning from me
teaching me
and more than anything
loving me,
seems impossible.

I wasn’t too much for him to love.
That is the miracle
I got to live
for one precious month.
March 12th 2010
to April 12th 2010
I lived the soaring joy
of being totally adored.
I blossomed in his care
and tutelage.
My gratitude for this
is as full
as this break
in my inside self.